Saturday, August 10, 2013

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Perks of being a Wallflower

*Other people look to you for strength and friendship.

*I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

*I see the girls wearing the guys' jackets and I think about the idea of property.

*It's just that sometimes people use thought to not to participate in life.

* We accept the love we think we deserve.

*My mom chooses her battles carefully.

*He's a wallflower. 

*You see things. You keep quiet about them and you understand.

*And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

*I just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is. 

*We were all supposed to think of reasons to live.

*That nice feeling when you look in the mirror and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles and a good hair day. But when it happens, it's nice. It really is. 

*I closed my lips because I wanted to know nothing but her arms.

*I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. 

*It was the kind of kiss  that made me know that I was never so happy in my life.

*And my sister started talking about how the way a woman looks is not the most important thing.

*Would never find another man because she was through trusting and would never look for anything else because she didn't know how. 

"Once on a yellow peice of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
and he called it "chops"
because that was the name of his dog
and thats what it was all about
his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts.
that was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny nails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it

once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kithcen door
beause of the new paint
and the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
and sometime they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see santa claus
and the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
and he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
and thats what it was all about
and his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end
of the Apostles's Creed went
and he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
and the girl around the corner
wore too much make up
that made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
becuase it was the thing to do
and at 3 am he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
and he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
because that's what it was really all about
and he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen---- "

*I don't know if you've ever felt like this. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid but I want to get it like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. i just want it all to stop spinning.

*It's when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple and they make me so mad. And all you want is to feel happy for them because you know that if I do, then it means that you're happy, too. 

*I felt like a big faker because I've been putting my life back together and nobody knows.

*The trance happens when you don't focus on anything and the whole big picture swallows and moves around you. She said it was usually metamorphic, bit for people who should never do acid again, it was literal.

*You feel really bad and then it goes away and you don't know why. I try to remind myself when I feel great like this t hat  there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I should store up as many great details as I can, so during the next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe that I'll feel great. It doesn't work all the time but I think it is very important. 

*Craig said the problem with things are that everyone is comparing with everyone because of that, it discredits people. 

* After I finished, I just laid around my bed, looking at the ceiling and I smiled because it was a nice kind of quiet.

*I wanted to ask Sam about the other side of "sometimes" but I didn't want to be too personal and I didn't want to know deep down. I wish I could stop being in love with Sam, I really do.

*She also said  that people who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don't, nothing will work out the way they want.

*I know I should have been grateful because it was very nice thing to do. But i wasn't grateful at all. Don't get be wrong. I acted like I was. But I wasn't. To tell you the truth, I was starting to get mad.

*Something really is wrong with m. And I don't know what it is.

*Just tell me how different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away and disappear. I know that's wrong because that's my responsibility and I know that  things gets worse before they get better.

*I don't know how much longer can I keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not to know things sometimes. 

* But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.

*It's strange how things can change back as suddenly as they changed originally. When one thing happens and suddenly things are back to normal.

*He didn't look like he was there. He looks like he's somewhere else. And I think I knew that because that's how people used to say  I was.

* It's just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially, when you can't do anything except "be there". I want to make him stop hurting, but I can't. So, I just follow him around whenever he wants to show me his world. 

Try to be a filter, not a sponge.

* I would die for you, but I won't live for you. Something like that. I think the idea is that everyone has to live for his/ her own life and then make the choice to share with other people. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


When you hear the word death, what comes in your mind? When you hear the word death, what do you feel? Everyone's afraid of death. No one likes to die, of course! Everyone mourns when someone dies. Most especially, if it's their significant other, one of the members of your family, a relative, a friend, a colleague or just someone you know by name. We cry a lot knowing that person will never be by your side anymore. He won't be a able to laugh with us, cry with us and even be mad at us. Yes, we miss them but what can we do? It's already their time to go and be with our Father in heaven. And that's given. All of us will die eventually. If it's your turn, it's your turn. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, next month, next year? Who knows? No one, except God. But for sure, as I've said earlier, everyone's afraid of death. 

But that's different for me, I'm not afraid to die. Sometimes, I even think of dying. Like at this exact moment I'm writing this one (June 11, 06:05am) I want to die. I don't know why. Maybe it's  the thought that everyone will die eventually. Really! I'm not afraid of dying! I even sometimes think that I really want to die.

I want to die to know who would care or not. I want to die so I won't face any problems, trial or hardships. I want to die so I won't be thinking of any expenses. I want to die so I won't have bad dreams. I want to die so I won't have this wishful thinking. I want to die so I won't give a love that's more than what you can give. I want to die so I won't be seeing pretty faces then get insecure of how I look. I want to die so I won't be thinking of what to wear everyday for me to look presentable. I want to die so I won't be disappointing people who are expecting a lot from me. I want to die so I won't be crying. I want to die so I won't be sick and spend more money for my medicines. I want to die so no one will know me. I want to die so I won't be losing any of my friends. I want to die so I won't be saying nasty things about the people around me. I want to die so I won't be seeing myself fall apart. I want to die so my family would get better. I want to die so my friends wouldn't be thinking I'm back-stabbing them. I want to die so my boyfriend can have a new girlfriend who's prettier than me. I want to die because of many reasons...

Yeah, crazy... Right? I sometimes even think of suicide! Haha, like... Cutting my wrists, not breathing (very lame indeed, huh?) and the usual that I would think of is to overdose myself with medicine. Or sometimes, I would just hope that a big truck would just hit our vanand would hit me directly so I would be DOA (dead on arrival)

And the most thing that made me think this way was when I read "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. It made a big impact on me! And the reasons.... (wouldn't be naming them, but I'm gonna use code names)

1. Current - for loving me even if I don't believe you really love me. I love you! 

2. Panget - for hurting me a lot, for making me realize everything... you're the only reason for the emotional scars here in my heart but I thank you as well, cos if not for you, I wouldn't be seeing and knowing the person who would return my love back

3. Payat - for letting me know that you're my biggest regret

4. Chinito - for making me look so tanga after all that 4 long years I've spent with you cos you're a 2 timer! I blame myself for that! 

5. Oemma - for loving me but for not being the daughter that you'll be proud of

6. Oeppa - for coming into this world with a different father 

7. UP - for making me feel that I'm not pretty, I'm not intelligent and that I'm the loser in our clan (I'm not pointing any fingers at you, I know it's me.)

8. Kaibigan - for letting me know that there is really what you call "friendzone" 

9.  TL - for being the evil-est person in the world I know

10. Mis - my then bestfriend. I really didn't know what happened to us, it's just that the friendship stopped knowing that you're the only friend I know I have.

11. Bebeb  ko - for me maiing kulit to you everyday at home

12. Francine papansin - for not being an ate to you.

13. For all the people I hurt, I love and the people I know by name - for everything that I have done... 

I don't know. It's kinda weird, but I know, I know, this is a nasty thought I shouldn't be thinking about. For sure, for some, you'd say :

"You're still young..."
"You can still do a lot of things..."
"Stop thinking about that..."
"Are you crazy?"
"Do you have a problem at home?"
"Do you have a problem with your boyfriend?"

 These are the lines I use to get whenever I speak about death. And I just answer them ...

"Nothing... I just want to die!"