But that's different for me, I'm not afraid to die. Sometimes, I even think of dying. Like at this exact moment I'm writing this one (June 11, 06:05am) I want to die. I don't know why. Maybe it's the thought that everyone will die eventually. Really! I'm not afraid of dying! I even sometimes think that I really want to die.
I want to die to know who would care or not. I want to die so I won't face any problems, trial or hardships. I want to die so I won't be thinking of any expenses. I want to die so I won't have bad dreams. I want to die so I won't have this wishful thinking. I want to die so I won't give a love that's more than what you can give. I want to die so I won't be seeing pretty faces then get insecure of how I look. I want to die so I won't be thinking of what to wear everyday for me to look presentable. I want to die so I won't be disappointing people who are expecting a lot from me. I want to die so I won't be crying. I want to die so I won't be sick and spend more money for my medicines. I want to die so no one will know me. I want to die so I won't be losing any of my friends. I want to die so I won't be saying nasty things about the people around me. I want to die so I won't be seeing myself fall apart. I want to die so my family would get better. I want to die so my friends wouldn't be thinking I'm back-stabbing them. I want to die so my boyfriend can have a new girlfriend who's prettier than me. I want to die because of many reasons...
Yeah, crazy... Right? I sometimes even think of suicide! Haha, like... Cutting my wrists, not breathing (very lame indeed, huh?) and the usual that I would think of is to overdose myself with medicine. Or sometimes, I would just hope that a big truck would just hit our vanand would hit me directly so I would be DOA (dead on arrival)
And the most thing that made me think this way was when I read "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. It made a big impact on me! And the reasons.... (wouldn't be naming them, but I'm gonna use code names)
1. Current - for loving me even if I don't believe you really love me. I love you!
2. Panget - for hurting me a lot, for making me realize everything... you're the only reason for the emotional scars here in my heart but I thank you as well, cos if not for you, I wouldn't be seeing and knowing the person who would return my love back
3. Payat - for letting me know that you're my biggest regret
4. Chinito - for making me look so tanga after all that 4 long years I've spent with you cos you're a 2 timer! I blame myself for that!
5. Oemma - for loving me but for not being the daughter that you'll be proud of
6. Oeppa - for coming into this world with a different father
7. UP - for making me feel that I'm not pretty, I'm not intelligent and that I'm the loser in our clan (I'm not pointing any fingers at you, I know it's me.)
8. Kaibigan - for letting me know that there is really what you call "friendzone"
9. TL - for being the evil-est person in the world I know
10. Mis - my then bestfriend. I really didn't know what happened to us, it's just that the friendship stopped knowing that you're the only friend I know I have.
11. Bebeb ko - for me maiing kulit to you everyday at home
12. Francine papansin - for not being an ate to you.
13. For all the people I hurt, I love and the people I know by name - for everything that I have done...
I don't know. It's kinda weird, but I know, I know, this is a nasty thought I shouldn't be thinking about. For sure, for some, you'd say :
"You're still young..."
"You can still do a lot of things..."
"Stop thinking about that..."
"Are you crazy?"
"Do you have a problem at home?"
"Do you have a problem with your boyfriend?"
These are the lines I use to get whenever I speak about death. And I just answer them ...
"Nothing... I just want to die!"