Death

When you hear the word death, what comes in your mind? When you hear the word death, what do you feel? Everyone's afraid of death. No one likes to die, of course! Everyone mourns when someone dies. Most especially, if it's their significant other, one of the members of your family, a relative, a friend, a colleague or just someone you know by name. We cry a lot knowing that person will never be by your side anymore. He won't be a able to laugh with us, cry with us and even be mad at us. Yes, we miss them but what can we do? It's already their time to go and be with our Father in heaven. And that's given. All of us will die eventually. If it's your turn, it's your turn. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, next month, next year? Who knows? No one, except God. But for sure, as I've said earlier, everyone's afraid of death. 

But that's different for me, I'm not afraid to die. Sometimes, I even think of dying. Like at this exact moment I'm writing this one (June 11, 06:05am) I want to die. I don't know why. Maybe it's  the thought that everyone will die eventually. Really! I'm not afraid of dying! I even sometimes think that I really want to die.

I want to die to know who would care or not. I want to die so I won't face any problems, trial or hardships. I want to die so I won't be thinking of any expenses. I want to die so I won't have bad dreams. I want to die so I won't have this wishful thinking. I want to die so I won't give a love that's more than what you can give. I want to die so I won't be seeing pretty faces then get insecure of how I look. I want to die so I won't be thinking of what to wear everyday for me to look presentable. I want to die so I won't be disappointing people who are expecting a lot from me. I want to die so I won't be crying. I want to die so I won't be sick and spend more money for my medicines. I want to die so no one will know me. I want to die so I won't be losing any of my friends. I want to die so I won't be saying nasty things about the people around me. I want to die so I won't be seeing myself fall apart. I want to die so my family would get better. I want to die so my friends wouldn't be thinking I'm back-stabbing them. I want to die so my boyfriend can have a new girlfriend who's prettier than me. I want to die because of many reasons...

Yeah, crazy... Right? I sometimes even think of suicide! Haha, like... Cutting my wrists, not breathing (very lame indeed, huh?) and the usual that I would think of is to overdose myself with medicine. Or sometimes, I would just hope that a big truck would just hit our vanand would hit me directly so I would be DOA (dead on arrival)

And the most thing that made me think this way was when I read "Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher. It made a big impact on me! And the reasons.... (wouldn't be naming them, but I'm gonna use code names)

1. Current - for loving me even if I don't believe you really love me. I love you! 

2. Panget - for hurting me a lot, for making me realize everything... you're the only reason for the emotional scars here in my heart but I thank you as well, cos if not for you, I wouldn't be seeing and knowing the person who would return my love back

3. Payat - for letting me know that you're my biggest regret

4. Chinito - for making me look so tanga after all that 4 long years I've spent with you cos you're a 2 timer! I blame myself for that! 

5. Oemma - for loving me but for not being the daughter that you'll be proud of

6. Oeppa - for coming into this world with a different father 

7. UP - for making me feel that I'm not pretty, I'm not intelligent and that I'm the loser in our clan (I'm not pointing any fingers at you, I know it's me.)

8. Kaibigan - for letting me know that there is really what you call "friendzone" 

9.  TL - for being the evil-est person in the world I know

10. Mis - my then bestfriend. I really didn't know what happened to us, it's just that the friendship stopped knowing that you're the only friend I know I have.

11. Bebeb  ko - for me maiing kulit to you everyday at home

12. Francine papansin - for not being an ate to you.

13. For all the people I hurt, I love and the people I know by name - for everything that I have done... 

I don't know. It's kinda weird, but I know, I know, this is a nasty thought I shouldn't be thinking about. For sure, for some, you'd say :

"You're still young..."
"You can still do a lot of things..."
"Stop thinking about that..."
"Are you crazy?"
"Do you have a problem at home?"
"Do you have a problem with your boyfriend?"

 These are the lines I use to get whenever I speak about death. And I just answer them ...

"Nothing... I just want to die!"